Blonde on Horseback

A blonde from California decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, butshe slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally,

A man was granted two wishes by God. He asked for the best drink and the best woman ever. He got mineral water and Mother Teresa.

There are three kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. The rest get married and wonder what happened! 

Wives are magicians. They can turn anything into an argument.

When asked in class; Why do women live a better, longer and a more peaceful life than men? A very INTELLIGENT student replied: "Because women don't have wives!" 

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against (get this) fire! Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.

THERE WAS a sweet older lady who would often do grocery shopping for the infirm and elderly in her church. One hot, summer day a lady asked her to pick up a few things and bring them by her house in a dangerous part of Baltimore City. The sweet old lady was wary but felt that she couldn't say no, even though she was terrified of driving in the part of the city that often had shoot-outs and other drug violence. Anyway, the woman went on her way, picked up the groceries and proceeded to the lady's house.

Teacher: Last night I had a dream that I ate a huge marshmallow.
Student: And what happened next?
Teacher: I woke up in the morning and found my pillow gone!!!


A girl came home from school. Her mother asked, “Dear how was your first day at school?”
And the girl replied, “First day? You mean I have to go back there tomorrow?”


Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
A: It barked with de-light!

This happened in a little town in New Mexico, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's absolutely true!

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was cold and wet and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stop.

A MAN was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.

The students were lined up in the cafeteria for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in.

They place animal

The Psalms of Coffee
Caffeine is my shepherd, I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures:
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz:
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I will fear no Equal (tm):
For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.

A  young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an 'A'."

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man.

"My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the minister said.

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington engineering mid-term.

The answer was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, and the sharing obviously hasn't ceased...

Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)?

A college student was in a philosophy class, where there was a class discussion about whether or not God exists, The professor had the following logic:

"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke.

"Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.

"Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."

Noah: “Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head”
Adam and Eve: “Strangers in Paradise”
Lazarus: “The Second Time Around”
Esther: “I Feel Pretty”
Job: “I’ve Got a Right to Sing the Blues”
Moses: “The Wanderer”
Jezebel: “The Lady is a Tramp”
Samson: “Hair”
Salome: “I Could Have Danced All Night”

A man dies and goes to heaven. As usual, St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates.

St. Peter says, “Here’s how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you’ve done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in.”

“Okay” the man says, “I attended church every Sunday”

“That’s good, says St. Peter, “that’s worth two points”